Apple store told me to fuck off, that it's so old they no longer carry it. Said I could just BUY the shittiest one, for $570. They won't even 'take' my broken one (no trade-in value), except to recycle it.
1 shady-looking store + mall kiosk later, both are $199 ballpark.
I've put on a ghetto screen protector for now (seems I only had plastic ones and not 'tempered glass' ones lying around, so will put one of those on for now.
Next time I'm in Markham area, will see how much it's there; level of difficult is too high to attempt a DIY.